The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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