I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
