I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
