she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You are a genius and a whore.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
