I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
