Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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