No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
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