You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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