before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
