I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
