I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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