his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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