____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
