Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
