So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize