I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
