This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
