This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
