everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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