Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
