It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
