Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
