I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
