i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
