his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
