This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
