Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
