i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
