Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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