You made me cry and you don't even care
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
