My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
