Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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