Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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