started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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