I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
