I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
