Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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