my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
