he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think my moral compass just broke
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
