Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
