wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
