i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
