I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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