I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
