You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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