Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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