Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
