and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
