I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I need moral support for this bender
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
