if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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