he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
