It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
