I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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