Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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