shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
