We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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