we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
