I can text with my tongue
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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