he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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