Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
